Indian Techie Divorces to Fit Into U.S. Culture

 

Arkansas, USA – Mani Goni had it all: a six-figure job at a tech company, a charming wife who packed quinoa lunches, two academically overachieving kids, a sleek Tesla parked outside his suburban home, and weekend Costco runs. Yet something felt... off.

“Every Friday, my American coworkers would say things like, ‘I’m driving three hours to see my kids from my first marriage,’ or, ‘My step-daughter is bringing her step-dog over,’” Mani recalled during a Zoom call with TT. “I just nodded and laughed awkwardly. Deep down, I felt excluded — like I wasn’t truly living the American dream.”

That’s when it hit him: assimilation wasn’t complete without a divorce.

“Returning to India was never an option,” Mani explained. “If I’m going to grow old here, I might as well do as the Romans do. So I filed for divorce. And let me tell you, I’ve never felt more American.”

The transition was rough at first, especially for his now ex-wife, who agreed to speak with us over Google Meet (because of course).

“It was devastating initially,” she said, sipping something suspiciously European. “But the kids were surprisingly supportive. In fact, they were thrilled — they finally got to say, ‘We’re going to dad’s this weekend!’ Just like in the movies!”

She embraced the full post-divorce starter pack:

• Handsome alimony
• Licensed therapist
• FDA-approved antidepressants
• A month-long soul-searching trip to Europe with Instagram quotes in cursive

“It helped,” she added. “Not with the healing, but with the hashtags.”

Both exes have since created Tinder profiles, swiping their way toward closure — or something vaguely resembling it. “Life is finally normal,” said Mani. “I even complain about child support like a real local.”

As for the kids, they’ve reportedly been acing their emotional intelligence tests, and have already asked for therapy gift cards for Christmas.

Americanization: complete.